I've always been so happy looking forward to the weekends, that is because I could get to see you, I could spend time with you even if it's just for a day.. But now, I no longer look forward to my weekends anymore. Because all it could ever remind me was how happy we were to finally meet again, to be in each other's arms and it would never happen again.  This is mentally torturing. This really is.

Goodbyes are always so painful

As i toss around on the bed last night, thinking about what would happen today? Is everything gonna end for good after I've picked up my things and leave your house? Or will you hold me back and tell me to stay and let us take a leap of faith and try again to make everything work out?

It was all just "Goodbyes" and having you sending me out of your house, and I left hurriedly hoping you would chased after me. This is the last time I'll ever alight at Eunos station and to hop onto bus 60 and make my way down to your house.

Just before leaving this place for good, I sat at the void deck, looking around reminiscing all the good times where we would have brunch and supper together, where we would come back to your house happily after a day out just to spend quality time together. It pains me to know I'm never coming back again and I'll probably never see you again.

 I've never felt a tinge of regret like this before.. If i had cherished all our moments together even it is just a stay over, If i could had been more mature, If i could just understand what you're going through in army is tough, If i could understand how much you miss home all the time, If i just didn't expect so much from you. All of these could have been avoided and the feelings would not fade gradually...

But I guess your love isn't there for me anymore. I dare not look into your eyes because I'm afraid I can't get a hold of my emotions. The pair of big eyes I fell in love with years ago, the man I had faith in, the man who told me "Hold on tight, never let go" is actually leaving me for good. How can I not feel anything? This grieving lasted for about a week and it was hell for me. & For now, I really don't know what to believe in anymore, and I realized deep down I've never knew the real you.....

The days ahead of me would be really tough but I will survive this. I'll come back stronger and I'm walking away with one mistake which is that I poured all the love I had to give to any guy that came my way and left none for myself for when I was alone. I am lost now and have to do something to make me feel complete again.

"When the right person does come, don’t lose yourself just because you found somebody. It’s crucial to learn to be happy by yourself before you start to feel like you need someone else to hold you up all the time. You won’t be able to appreciate someone loving you until you love yourself."

Yes, feelings may have faded gradually but no matter what, I still chose to believe our love wasn't a lie and most of all you aren't a lie too. I will miss you, but is time I move on.

Still love you anyway...

有些話　不用說　比承諾還天長地久

有些愛　不用說　比情人付出得　更無所求

All the tears I've shed just let me realize how much I'm afraid to lose you, to lose it all. I did not see this coming, I should be well prepared to face all these or because I've so much faith in you and in us that I do not even want to think of it. I'm always having problems expressing myself, I just wanted someone to fight for me and to never stop fighting for me just like how i would do it for you. I let myself think too much and into bringing up the negativity thus leading to where we are now. All broken, all mysterious, all disconnected. 

How am i suppose to feel? Really distraught? Distraught that I will no longer be part of your life? Or I did not understand you at all all these while? Or i was selfish that i did not cared about how you felt? Are all these my faults? I wished everything was just a nightmare like how I've always told you about the bad stuffs that had happened in my dreams about us and you would reassured me that we are perfectly fine and telling me indirectly the day would never come. Yet, I've forgotten that nothing is really impossible, so no more striking off all the impossibilities because you've probably proved me wrong. Love is selfish and not selfless. You end up hurting yourself more when you love more.

I fought for us twice when you had really decided to leave me and to leave us, I fought so hard because I love you so much more than myself that even means losing my ground. Was it all worth it for you? For someone I've love close to 2 years, you could put everything aside just so easily as pressing a "Delete" button and it's all gone for good. No reminiscing? No second thoughts about it? Just nothing at all....

I'm left here to fend for myself even though the days back there were not exactly you being here for me all the time when I needed someone, but as long as you are there emotionally with me in camp when I needed you, I couldn't asked for more.

I've learnt that truly loving someone takes courage and a willingness to be vulnerable. But it is that vulnerability that opens the door for heartbreak, the heartbreak that I am experiencing now hurts a lot. At some point in a relationship, there may be a realization that one person’s feelings have progressed faster than the other person’s. That was me loving more, am I glad that I've met someone I've loved so much or should I be despair that, that person will never ever love me as much as I would.

"When you love someone you can’t love, it’s a constant reaching. You don’t just walk away when you’re told you have to. You know there’s no hand to meet yours but you hold it out there anyway. You singlehandedly display the epitome of human resilience, and you do it all silently. You somehow remain convinced that honesty removes hope, and that compromises the fact that the basis on which your love can thrive is on the hope that one day, they’ll change their minds. And that finally, for somebody, you’ll be enough."

If you hadn't stopped trying to fight for this relationship, if you hadn't make me feel unappreciative, if you hadn't not showed me more concern, if you hadn't not love yourself more than me. You wouldn't do all these to hurt me so badly even knowing for the fact that I stood by your side all these while, for trying to be as understanding as I can despite how I wished I could have you being more caring towards me, more doting towards me. We went through everything together all the bad and good ones. Honestly, I didn't see this day coming. I was so certain you and I are madly in love with each other and would always stay that way till we age gracefully because even the roughest days could not break us apart. We would still be back together after few days of tiffs/arguments all the time and this time is no exception. But to realise how cold you were towards me, how you really stopped trying to coax me, to make sure I'm alright, to let me know you still love me just makes everything so unbearable so heartbreaking so distraught for me to handle. How I am to do without you, the one who was my closest throughout.... Do you feel me aching in pain? Do you know how much I've teared for you over and over again? How I wish we could just start everything afresh. It is draining me out, and I really don't know how I would  be able to love again...

What Loving Her Means?

"Loving her means doing whatever it takes to make her happy. That’s even when it comes at the expense of yours. Before you do anything you question if “This makes her happy”. It is going to hurt when sometimes your happiness is not hers. But, you are going to put aside your feelings because you know she is happy. Sometimes in doing that, you are going to fail and you end up a burrito of sadness but you will get back up and try again because you want what makes her happy.

Loving her means being there for her, always. Being there even when you have had a bad day. Being there even when it is difficult. Being there even when it hurts or upsets you. Besides being there for her, you are there because you understand that the pain of not being there far supersedes the pain you will feel in being there. Because your life is much better with than without her.

Loving her is essentially understanding that some part of you will always want her, the good, the bad and the ugly, that a little part of you will always love her. Because after all, in loving her, you had and will only ever give her the best of you."