Maybe I'm just done with dealing with any types of emotions that I've finally melted it all down to nothing. Maybe feelings just aren't worth acknowledging at all.
Monday, 29 September 2014
Tuesday, 29 July 2014
Fleeting moments
"There’s safety in the past — I know what happened, how silly my worries were at the time, and some of my most favorite people exist only there. Realizing that those people and places no longer exist as they do in my memory is one of life’s biggest disappointments. Even if I could recreate the past, nothing would be the same. People change, people die, places change, and — most mystifying of all, I have changed and become an entirely different person than I was even a year ago.
The past is a security blanket I cling to when the present isn't going well and the future seems too fuzzy."
The past is a security blanket I cling to when the present isn't going well and the future seems too fuzzy."
Sunday, 1 June 2014
Tough year 2014
I believe year 2014 is the toughest year for me to go through. I've dealt with so much anguish and it is completely driving me crazy. People really come and go, and the person you've thought would love and be there for you forever were actually the ones who've the power to hurt you the most and to leave you in pain. All in all, I had better love myself more than others because ultimately, I need to feel as a whole in order to love again.
"We’re all on different rides, but they all end the same way. You do not need somebody else’s love to be whole. You do not need their permission to go on with your life. What you do need is your own love. You need to let yourself go on. Their love isn’t stopping you, because that love doesn’t exist. It is only you who is holding onto what you believe should be. And what you will realize, sooner or later, is that most of your life is defined and chosen by what you compel yourself to believe should or shouldn’t be. Release yourself from the cage you built. You hold the key to your own freedom."
"We’re all on different rides, but they all end the same way. You do not need somebody else’s love to be whole. You do not need their permission to go on with your life. What you do need is your own love. You need to let yourself go on. Their love isn’t stopping you, because that love doesn’t exist. It is only you who is holding onto what you believe should be. And what you will realize, sooner or later, is that most of your life is defined and chosen by what you compel yourself to believe should or shouldn’t be. Release yourself from the cage you built. You hold the key to your own freedom."
Back to Strangers..
"It’s interesting to think about how we make people who used to be everything into nothing again. How we learn to forget. How we force forgetting. What we put in place of them in the interim. The dynamics afterward always tell you more than what the relationship did — grief is a faster teacher than joy – but what does it mean when you cycle out to being strangers again? Because you never really stop knowing each other in that way. Maybe there’s no choice but to make them someone different in your mind, not the person who knew your daily anxieties and what you looked like naked and what made you cry and how much you loved them.
When our lives revolve around someone, they don’t just stop revolving around them even if all that’s left is the grief and pain that comes with their memory. Because you loved them, there will always be parts of them that linger. The memories that are impressed on the places you went and the things you said and the songs you listened to will remain. We all eventually find ourselves standing in the checkout line, hearing one of those songs come on and realizing that all of a sudden, we’re revolving around them again. And maybe we never stopped.
Do you ever really forget your lovers’ birthdays, or all your first times, intimate and not? Do your anniversaries ever become normal days of the year again? Are the things you did and promises you made ever really neutralized? Do they become void now that you’re broken up or do you decidedly ignore them because there’s simply no other choice? The mind tells you to go on, and forces your heart to follow suit I guess.
I want to believe that you either love someone, in some way, forever, or you never really loved them at all. That once two reactive chemicals cross both are changed. That the wounds we leave in people are sometimes too raw to risk falling back into them. I don’t want to believe that we write each other off because we simply don’t matter anymore. I know love isn’t expendable. I wonder, and maybe hope, if we ever just force it to be out of that necessity.
Maybe it’s just that we’re all at the centers of our own little universes, and sometimes they overlap with other people’s, and that small bit of intersection leaves some part of it changed; that’s where we grow together. The collision can wreck us, change us, shift us; sometimes we become eternally undetachable and connected and other times we decidedly move away because the change required to accept another person’s universe colliding with yours is a safety we don’t want to leave. Either way, it’s inevitable that your universe expands. That you’re left knowing that much more about love and what it can do, and the pain that only a hole in your heart can bring. Whether or not that hole will ever again include the person who made it that way, that’s for you to decide.
We all start as strangers. The choices we make in terms of love are usually ones that seem inevitable anyway. We find people irrationally compelling. We find souls made of the same stuff ours are. We find classmates and partners and neighbors and family friends and cousins and sisters and our lives intersect in a way that makes them feel like they couldn’t have ever been separate. And this is lovely. But the ease and access isn’t what we crave. It isn’t what I’m writing about right now. It isn’t what we revolve around after it’s gone. We are all just waiting for another universe to collide with ours, to change what we can’t ourselves. To fill us, to make us whole. It’s interesting how afterwards, we realize that the storm returns to calm, but the stars are always changed and we don’t choose whose collisions change us. We all start as strangers, but we often forget that we choose who ends up a stranger too."
When our lives revolve around someone, they don’t just stop revolving around them even if all that’s left is the grief and pain that comes with their memory. Because you loved them, there will always be parts of them that linger. The memories that are impressed on the places you went and the things you said and the songs you listened to will remain. We all eventually find ourselves standing in the checkout line, hearing one of those songs come on and realizing that all of a sudden, we’re revolving around them again. And maybe we never stopped.
Do you ever really forget your lovers’ birthdays, or all your first times, intimate and not? Do your anniversaries ever become normal days of the year again? Are the things you did and promises you made ever really neutralized? Do they become void now that you’re broken up or do you decidedly ignore them because there’s simply no other choice? The mind tells you to go on, and forces your heart to follow suit I guess.
I want to believe that you either love someone, in some way, forever, or you never really loved them at all. That once two reactive chemicals cross both are changed. That the wounds we leave in people are sometimes too raw to risk falling back into them. I don’t want to believe that we write each other off because we simply don’t matter anymore. I know love isn’t expendable. I wonder, and maybe hope, if we ever just force it to be out of that necessity.
Maybe it’s just that we’re all at the centers of our own little universes, and sometimes they overlap with other people’s, and that small bit of intersection leaves some part of it changed; that’s where we grow together. The collision can wreck us, change us, shift us; sometimes we become eternally undetachable and connected and other times we decidedly move away because the change required to accept another person’s universe colliding with yours is a safety we don’t want to leave. Either way, it’s inevitable that your universe expands. That you’re left knowing that much more about love and what it can do, and the pain that only a hole in your heart can bring. Whether or not that hole will ever again include the person who made it that way, that’s for you to decide.
We all start as strangers. The choices we make in terms of love are usually ones that seem inevitable anyway. We find people irrationally compelling. We find souls made of the same stuff ours are. We find classmates and partners and neighbors and family friends and cousins and sisters and our lives intersect in a way that makes them feel like they couldn’t have ever been separate. And this is lovely. But the ease and access isn’t what we crave. It isn’t what I’m writing about right now. It isn’t what we revolve around after it’s gone. We are all just waiting for another universe to collide with ours, to change what we can’t ourselves. To fill us, to make us whole. It’s interesting how afterwards, we realize that the storm returns to calm, but the stars are always changed and we don’t choose whose collisions change us. We all start as strangers, but we often forget that we choose who ends up a stranger too."
Saturday, 26 April 2014
I've always been so happy looking forward to the weekends, that is because I could get to see you, I could spend time with you even if it's just for a day.. But now, I no longer look forward to my weekends anymore. Because all it could ever remind me was how happy we were to finally meet again, to be in each other's arms and it would never happen again. This is mentally torturing. This really is.
Tuesday, 15 April 2014
Goodbyes are always so painful
As i toss around on the bed last night, thinking about what would happen today? Is everything gonna end for good after I've picked up my things and leave your house? Or will you hold me back and tell me to stay and let us take a leap of faith and try again to make everything work out?
It was all just "Goodbyes" and having you sending me out of your house, and I left hurriedly hoping you would chased after me. This is the last time I'll ever alight at Eunos station and to hop onto bus 60 and make my way down to your house.
Just before leaving this place for good, I sat at the void deck, looking around reminiscing all the good times where we would have brunch and supper together, where we would come back to your house happily after a day out just to spend quality time together. It pains me to know I'm never coming back again and I'll probably never see you again.
I've never felt a tinge of regret like this before.. If i had cherished all our moments together even it is just a stay over, If i could had been more mature, If i could just understand what you're going through in army is tough, If i could understand how much you miss home all the time, If i just didn't expect so much from you. All of these could have been avoided and the feelings would not fade gradually...
But I guess your love isn't there for me anymore. I dare not look into your eyes because I'm afraid I can't get a hold of my emotions. The pair of big eyes I fell in love with years ago, the man I had faith in, the man who told me "Hold on tight, never let go" is actually leaving me for good. How can I not feel anything? This grieving lasted for about a week and it was hell for me. & For now, I really don't know what to believe in anymore, and I realized deep down I've never knew the real you.....
It was all just "Goodbyes" and having you sending me out of your house, and I left hurriedly hoping you would chased after me. This is the last time I'll ever alight at Eunos station and to hop onto bus 60 and make my way down to your house.
Just before leaving this place for good, I sat at the void deck, looking around reminiscing all the good times where we would have brunch and supper together, where we would come back to your house happily after a day out just to spend quality time together. It pains me to know I'm never coming back again and I'll probably never see you again.
I've never felt a tinge of regret like this before.. If i had cherished all our moments together even it is just a stay over, If i could had been more mature, If i could just understand what you're going through in army is tough, If i could understand how much you miss home all the time, If i just didn't expect so much from you. All of these could have been avoided and the feelings would not fade gradually...
But I guess your love isn't there for me anymore. I dare not look into your eyes because I'm afraid I can't get a hold of my emotions. The pair of big eyes I fell in love with years ago, the man I had faith in, the man who told me "Hold on tight, never let go" is actually leaving me for good. How can I not feel anything? This grieving lasted for about a week and it was hell for me. & For now, I really don't know what to believe in anymore, and I realized deep down I've never knew the real you.....
Saturday, 12 April 2014
The days ahead of me would be really tough but I will survive this. I'll come back stronger and I'm walking away with one mistake which is that I poured all the love I had to give to any guy that came my way and left none for myself for when I was alone. I am lost now and have to do something to make me feel complete again.
"When the right person does come, don’t lose yourself just because you found somebody. It’s crucial to learn to be happy by yourself before you start to feel like you need someone else to hold you up all the time. You won’t be able to appreciate someone loving you until you love yourself."
Yes, feelings may have faded gradually but no matter what, I still chose to believe our love wasn't a lie and most of all you aren't a lie too. I will miss you, but is time I move on.
"When the right person does come, don’t lose yourself just because you found somebody. It’s crucial to learn to be happy by yourself before you start to feel like you need someone else to hold you up all the time. You won’t be able to appreciate someone loving you until you love yourself."
Yes, feelings may have faded gradually but no matter what, I still chose to believe our love wasn't a lie and most of all you aren't a lie too. I will miss you, but is time I move on.
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